Is It Envy? Or Jealousy?
by Terapsina
Summary: Written for the Swan Queen Week (Summer 2015) Day 2: Jealousy - Envy. Jealousy. Such similar feelings, often it's difficult to tell them apart even. Especially if you haven't had cause to feel one, while calling the other an old friend. (A window into Regina's mind, concerning her experiences with both emotions.)


Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: This... to be honest I'm not a 100% sure if this counts as purely Swan Queen, because it's also one third about her messed up bond with Snow and one third about how much she loves her son. With a smidgen of the awful that is Cora and Leopold. But it's ALSO Swan Queen so... I think it counts?

*o0O0o*  
* **Is It Envy? Or Jealousy?** *  
*o0O0o*

Envy. Jealousy. Such similar feelings, often it's difficult to tell them apart even. Especially if you haven't had cause to feel one, while calling the other an old friend.

For Regina, it was not _jealousy_ that followed her. The occasions for it were so rare and fleeting they never really overpowered her. There might have been a moment of it when she first developed a crush on Daniel, and saw him talking to a flirty kitchen maid, but it was merely a flicker, and by the time her feelings grew into love, Daniel felt the same.

No, for Regina it's envy that's haunted her life. Envy for the children whose mothers love them. Envy of those same children for being able to play outside in the rain and mud without fear of repercussions. And later, though she will never admit so... envy of Snow.

Little princess Snow White who lived in the same castle as Regina, but for whom it wasn't a gilded cage.

Sometimes Regina couldn't decide who she hated more. The father or the daughter. Leopold might have been the one who broke and then ripped her wings, but Snow was the one who held her only chance for brief moments of flight like a golden key around her neck.

And there was always Daniel's heart being ground into dust in her dreams.

Oh, she had not envied Snow White _herself_ of course. But Snow's reckless freedom? Her, who could leave the castle whenever she wished to? Her father as ever unable to deny her anything. Her, who was brought to the sea by week long carriage rides, whenever she wished to see seagulls in flight, and to listen to them chat about the water under their wings, and the salty winds gliding through their feathers? And her, who could run through the fields surrounding the castle whenever she wished to make a flower crown or to look on as a fawn was playing with its mother? And _her_ , to whom the King gave leave to bring Regina along.

And she never knew what was worse. Being left with the King whose smiles slipped whenever Snow didn't deem to be around? Or to follow Snow and listen to her incessant babbling and brightness while all Regina knew of her days was the dark and the night.

And yet away from the castle with just Snow for company, the innocent light of of the child was infectious. There were days when she forgot the high cost of secrets spoken, days when she almost forgave.

And then the vacations would end, and a sweet young girl would take Regina's hand and lock the chains in place anew.

Regina walked into darkness _willingly_ , one step at a time. For all the manipulations that paved the road it was never anyone, other than Regina herself, who traveled down it. But it took days, upon days, upon years of being brought along as a nanny or left behind with the King as a beautiful body, before she was fully black.

She hated Snow. Hated her, and loved her, and envied her in equal measure.

And some days, the days she hated herself most, there was envy of Leopold's love for Snow. Maybe her cage wouldn't have been so horrific to live in, if he'd loved her even a little. Maybe the loneliness wouldn't be so all encompassing then.

Oh she hated him too. Always. King Leopold. The benevolent ruler of the White Kingdom. The loving father of the princess. The grieving husband of the _true_ Queen. She wished him dead every night and at least three times a day. But it would have been easier if he had _cared_ about her. If some of that supposed _goodness_ was turned to her as well.

But it wasn't. And he didn't. And he deserved his death a hundred times over. Regina would come to feel shame for most of the evil she would bring in years to come, but she would never feel shame for what she did to him.

—-

Years and a new realm later came Emma Swan.

She knew Miss Swan would be dangerous as soon as Henry called her his real mother. There could be nothing as frightening as the biological mother of the son who had started to hate her, despite all the love Regina felt for him.

She was still the Evil Queen then. Oh, she disliked thinking of it. But she was one still. Beneath the mask of Madame Mayor the Queen lurked just under the surface, but since the day she first picked Henry up and he ceased crying, that voice had quieted more and more. Loving her son, - seeing him smile at her and call her mom, helping him with his homework and kissing away his small hurts when he fell off his first bike, or scraped his knee while playing football, - little by little pushed the Evil Queen back.

But then he found that book. And his smiles turned into glares and he ran away to another city and brought back Emma Swan. And the Queen surfaced as if she'd never left.

And she envied the woman for her son's fascination.

And how dare she take all the love and attention away from her? Henry was _her_ son. _She_ raised him. _She_ clothed him and fed him and soothed his nightmares for _ten years_. What did Miss Swan ever do for him? Drop him into the system and forget about him? Why did she get to be the Saviour and her the Evil Queen? What made her so special? What made Miss Swan better than her?

The answer to that was simple of course. The young girl who had not yet lost Daniel would have been able to see it, and somewhere deep deep down, Regina did too. But she would never admit it. The answer would hurt too much, the truth always did.

But that didn't mean she didn't see it.

She saw how good Emma Swan was. Not in the way _Mary Margaret Blanchard_ was. Not in that self serving hypocritical way all the heroes of her world thought of it. Not in that judging way that made Regina's fingers itch for a spell that would never come in this magic-less world. No, Miss Swan was good in a different way entirely.

She saw the same things Sheriff Graham saw.

And without Regina even realizing it, her feelings for Miss Swan were no longer just envy. And Graham's heart crumbled to ash in her hands. And she wasn't even sure why she'd been so angry with _him_.

But the Evil Queen was fully awake once more. Fury coursing through her veins and war painted red on her lips.

And then anger at the new Sheriff Swan, for her interference in the town Regina created out of thin air. And fear, all consuming, all encompassing _fear_ that the good and amazing Swan would take away her son. That Henry would be gone and wouldn't even miss her. That all she'd have would be the empty manor and the pointless throne of a mayor.

But underneath all that there was…. fascination.

How far could she drive Emma Swan before she'd lose that temper entirely and shine in the glory of her fury? There were glimpses of it, like when her apple tree lost a branch, or when she saved Regina's life from the fire and yelled at her that she always would. What could Regina do to make the new sheriff lose all traces of control?

She found out of course.

All she had to do was to poison her son with an apple turnover. How simple. If her heart wasn't breaking she'd probably laugh. Instead all she could manage was to breathe through the horror as the fury of the Queen shattered like shards of a mirror and left only a mother behind.

And then in one moment her world both righted and broke apart. Henry opened his eyes, but it wasn't her kiss that woke him. It was Sheriff Swan who brought him back. It was Sheriff Swan who broke the two curses.

And all she had was a town full of people who knew who she was and no one to help her survive them.

—-

No one, but Snow White's daughter. The irony was unbearable.

Though nowhere near as gripping as the slow, steady thrum of feelings that developed so gradually she hardly noticed anything before it was already too late.

One moment _Miss Swan_ was trying to steal _her_ son. The next she and _Emma_ were in Neverland, desperately trying to find _their_ son.

One moment Regina was willing to do absolutely anything to stop Operation Cobra, and the next Emma was as driven as she to make Operation Henry come to fruition, to get their son _home_... and a heartbeat after that - if a heartbeat involves a year of misery and loneliness, and the desperate, hopeless wish to see both of the again - swearing to make Operation Mongoose a reality.

One moment Regina wanted to kill Killian Jones for lying to her about killing her mother, and the next she wanted to cut off his _other_ hand just for it's place on Emma's waist.

Even for Regina, it's rather difficult to translate _that_ into envy.

*o0O0o*

AN2: *nervously bites lip waiting to see what people thought*


End file.
